Oh boy! Aren't you excited for President Trump? I know I am! Gah!
After years of watching my beloved country decay into a smoldering cesspool of failure and ruin thanks to the work of foreigners (ugh) and minorities (double "ugh") and Democrats (barf!), I look forward to finally having a president that is from the same, special group of people who founded this country - you know, the real Americans who have, over time, been crowded out and diluted by filthy riff raff. I'm talking of course about people with small hands.
As you all should know, our founding fathers built this country with their bare, tiny hands. It's a little known fact that while George Washington was over six feet tall, his hands were so small that he couldn't even beat a baby in a thumb wrestling contest. As a proud member of the small hands club, I am happy to support the Presidency of Donald Trump and his tiny, paw-like hands.
I am so relieved that Bernie Sanders will be the next President of the United States. He is truly the rarest of all politicians: a man with integrity, who holds himself to the highest idealogical standards and does not compromise on his views.
For this reason I am completely confident that Sanders, once elected (or installed into government by popular revolt) will totally be able to raise taxes on the wealthy elite, strengthen our (I assume, incorruptible) unions, raise the national minimum wage to $15 an hour, and have affordable universal healthcare that will somehow not bankrupt our country, all with the full cooperation of Congress.
Yes, I know President Obama had some trouble passing his Obamacare law even before the Republicans swept the Congressional elections in 2010. And yes, I know that some of the right-leaning members of Congress fall prey to fits of mouth-foaming rage whenever they hear the word "socialism". But don't worry. I know that President Sanders will find a way, somehow, to make them see the light, feel the "Bern", and convert them to his way of thinking.
I mean, he has to, right? Since there's no way Bernie is gonna compromise on his ideals.